When a Journey Filled With Love and Hope Becomes One of Fear, Grief, and Pain
You may have entered this journey carrying so much hope. Perhaps you imagined holding your baby, becoming a mother, growing your family, or finally reaching a moment you had waited for and dreamed about. You may have already begun imagining a future and loving the baby who would be part of it.
And then something happened that you never expected.
A pregnancy ended. You received frightening news. A birth became traumatic. Your baby needed intensive medical care. Or you were faced with a decision you never imagined you would have to make.
Suddenly, an experience filled with love and hope became intertwined with fear, grief, uncertainty, or pain.
You may be grieving not only what happened, but the future you had already begun to imagine. You may feel frightened, angry, guilty, numb, or disconnected from yourself—and wonder why the experience continues to affect you when the rest of the world seems to be moving forward.
I provide specialized reproductive trauma therapy for women and couples navigating pregnancy loss, stillbirth, traumatic birth, serious pregnancy complications, TFMR, selective reduction, NICU experiences, pregnancy after loss, and other difficult reproductive experiences.
Individual and couples therapy • Online throughout Texas, New York & PSYPACT participating states • In-person in The Woodlands/Houston area
When the Crisis Is Over, but the Emotions Remain
During the crisis, you may have simply done what you needed to do to get through it—listening to doctors, making decisions, enduring procedures, caring for your baby, or somehow getting through one day at a time.
It may be afterward, when the appointments slow down and the people around you return to their lives, that you realize how deeply the experience has affected you.
You may replay what happened or wonder whether something could have been different. Medical appointments, pregnancy announcements, due dates, or anniversaries may bring back difficult emotions. You may feel anxious, angry, guilty, overwhelmed—or surprisingly numb and disconnected.
And sometimes the hardest part is feeling that other people don’t understand why you are still struggling.
There is no single way reproductive trauma looks or feels.
Reproductive Trauma Can Take Many Forms
Reproductive trauma may involve:
- Pregnancy loss or stillbirth
- Traumatic birth
- Serious pregnancy complications
- TFMR
- Selective reduction
- NICU experiences
- Pregnancy after loss or trauma
- Other reproductive experiences that left you frightened, powerless, grieving, or profoundly changed
Sometimes there is a devastating loss. Sometimes you and your baby survive, but what happened leaves you frightened or changed. And sometimes you are forced to make a decision when every possible choice carries pain.
You do not have to decide whether what happened was “traumatic enough” to deserve support. If the experience continues to affect you, it matters.
You May Be Grieving More Than What Happened
Reproductive trauma can involve losses that are difficult to put into words.
You may be grieving a baby, the pregnancy or birth you hoped for, or the future you had already begun to imagine.
You may have lost trust in your body or the belief that pregnancy and birth are naturally safe. You may be grieving the family you pictured or the person you expected yourself to become.
And sometimes you are grieving a version of yourself that existed before all of this happened—the part of you that could hope without immediately being afraid of what might go wrong.
These losses may be difficult for other people to see. But they can be very real.
When You and Your Partner Are Hurting Differently
You went through the same experience together. So it can be painful and confusing when your partner responds in a completely different way.
You may need to talk, while your partner seems to avoid the subject. One of you may want closeness and reassurance, while the other becomes quiet, focuses on practical things, or tries to return to everyday life.
These differences can begin to feel personal.
Why aren’t you as upset as I am?
Why don’t you want to talk about our baby?
Why can’t you understand what I need from you?
And underneath these questions may be something even more vulnerable:
Are you still here with me in this?
Different ways of coping do not necessarily mean that one partner loved more, cared more, or is grieving more deeply. Often, both partners are hurting while trying to protect themselves—and sometimes each other—in different ways.
But what begins as protection can become distance.
One partner may reach more urgently for reassurance as the other becomes overwhelmed and pulls away. Over time, you can become caught in a painful cycle where both of you are hurting and neither of you feels truly understood.
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we look beneath the anger, silence, or distance to the feelings and needs that can be harder to express:
I’m scared.
I miss you.
I don’t know how to help you.
I need to know that I’m not alone in this.
When couples can begin sharing what is happening underneath their different ways of coping, they have a better opportunity to turn toward each other again.
The goal is not to grieve in the same way. It is to remain emotionally connected while each of you moves through the experience in your own way.
Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy?
You may know that you need support but be unsure whether to come to therapy on your own or with your partner.
Individual therapy may be a good place to begin if you need space to process what happened, understand your emotions, work through grief or trauma, or begin feeling more like yourself again.
Couples therapy may be helpful when you are grieving differently, struggling to communicate, feeling distant, or finding that you cannot reach each other in the ways you once could.
Sometimes one partner is ready for therapy before the other. You do not need to wait for your partner to begin getting support for yourself.
And you do not have to know which kind of therapy you need before reaching out. We can talk about what is happening and determine what kind of support may be most helpful.
How I Work With Reproductive Trauma
When you have been through something overwhelming, it can be difficult to make sense of what happened and everything you are feeling. Grief, fear, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, and even moments of hope can exist alongside one another.
I will help you slow things down, make sense of your experience, and organize what feels overwhelming so that it becomes more understandable and manageable. You do not need to tell your story perfectly, and there is no “right” way you are supposed to feel.
My approach to reproductive trauma therapy is trauma-informed and grounded in attachment and emotion. We pay attention not only to what happened, but to how the experience has affected your sense of safety, your trust in yourself, and the relationships that matter most to you.
For couples, I help you understand what may be happening underneath the distance, conflict, or silence and find ways to reach for each other differently.
Therapy cannot change what happened. But it can help you understand and carry the experience differently, so that what happened does not have to remain as overwhelming as it feels today.
Learn More About Reproductive Trauma
TFMR & DIFFICULT REPRODUCTIVE DECISIONS
WHEN REPRODUCTIVE TRAUMA AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
What happened matters. And so does the way it has affected you.
You do not need to be “over it” before asking for help. You do not need to know exactly what you need—or even have the words to explain everything you are feeling.
If you are struggling after reproductive loss, trauma, or another difficult reproductive experience, you are welcome to book an appointment or contact me to talk briefly about whether individual or couples therapy may be helpful.
Schedule a FREE 10-minute consultation to share what you’re going through and explore whether working together feels like the right fit. Email me at irena@permalink.com
Individual and couples therapy • Online throughout Texas, New York & PSYPACT participating states • In-person in The Woodlands/Houston area