When You Love Each Other but Can’t Seem to Reach Each Other
You may still love each other deeply. But somewhere along the way, being together has become harder.
Perhaps you keep having the same arguments, even though neither of you wants to fight. One of you may push to talk while the other shuts down or pulls away. You may feel criticized, misunderstood, lonely, or increasingly careful about what you say.
Or perhaps there isn’t much conflict anymore. You have simply grown apart. You function well together—managing work, children, family, and everyday life—but the closeness you once had feels increasingly difficult to find.
Sometimes there has been a betrayal, loss, trauma, or major life transition that changed the relationship. And sometimes couples cannot point to one particular moment. They simply know that something important between them no longer feels the same.
Couples therapy can help you understand what has happened between you—and begin finding your way back to each other.
I am a licensed psychologist and Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist with nearly 30 years of experience helping couples understand painful relationship patterns, repair emotional injuries, and build stronger, more secure relationships.
Couples therapy • Online throughout Texas, New York & PSYPACT- participating states • In-person in The Woodlands/Houston area
When the Same Problems Keep Coming Back
Many couples come to therapy after trying for a long time to make things better on their own.
You may have talked about the problem many times. You may have promised each other that things would change. And yet somehow you find yourselves back in the same place.
Often, the problem is not simply what you are arguing about.
Underneath disagreements about money, parenting, sex, household responsibilities, extended family, or how much time you spend together are often deeper questions:
Do you understand me?
Do I matter to you?
Can I depend on you when I need you?
Are we still important to each other?
When these questions begin to feel uncertain, even small disagreements can become emotionally charged.
Understanding what is happening underneath the conflict is often the beginning of changing it.
Couples Come to Therapy for Many Reasons
You do not need to be on the verge of separation to benefit from couples therapy.
I work with couples experiencing:
- Recurring arguments and communication difficulties
- Emotional distance or loneliness within the relationship
- Loss of affection, intimacy, or sexual connection
- Betrayal, infidelity, or broken trust
- Difficulty recovering from past hurts
- Grief, trauma, or reproductive loss
- Parenting and family stress
- Major life transitions
- Cultural or family-of-origin differences
- Midlife changes and empty nest transitions
- Questions about whether to remain together
- A relationship that is functioning but no longer feels close
Sometimes couples arrive in crisis. Others recognize a growing distance and want to address it before it becomes harder to repair.
Both are good reasons to begin.
The Problem Is Often the Cycle Between You
When relationships become distressed, couples often get caught in patterns that neither partner intentionally created.
One partner may become more critical, frustrated, or insistent because they desperately want to feel heard. The other may become defensive, quiet, or withdrawn because the conversation feels overwhelming or because nothing they say seems to make things better.
The more one reaches or protests, the more the other retreats. The more one retreats, the more alone and frightened the other feels.
Eventually, both partners may begin protecting themselves rather than reaching for each other.
You may start thinking:
Why doesn’t my partner care?
Why is nothing I do ever enough?
Why can’t we talk without fighting?
How did we become these people with each other?
Couples therapy helps us slow this pattern down and understand what is happening underneath it.
The goal is not to determine who is right and who is wrong. It is to help both of you recognize the cycle that has taken over the relationship—and begin changing it together.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
My work with couples is grounded primarily in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT, an attachment-based approach to understanding and strengthening adult relationships.
Rather than focusing only on communication techniques, EFT helps couples understand the emotions, attachment needs, and protective reactions underneath their conflicts.
As those patterns become clearer, partners can begin responding to each other differently—creating more emotional safety, trust, and connection.
I am a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and have worked with couples from an attachment perspective for many years.
LEARN MORE ABOUT EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED COUPLES THERAPY
When Trust Has Been Broken
An affair, betrayal, secrecy, repeated disappointment, or another painful experience can change the way you see your partner and your relationship.
The injured partner may need to ask questions, seek reassurance, or return repeatedly to what happened. The other partner may feel ashamed, defensive, helpless, or desperate to move forward.
Healing does not come simply from deciding to put the past behind you.
Couples therapy can help you understand the emotional impact of what happened, address the injury between you, and determine whether trust can be rebuilt.
Repair takes time. But when both partners are willing to engage honestly with what happened, meaningful healing can be possible.
When Grief or Trauma Changes Your Relationship
Sometimes the relationship itself is not where the pain began.
Pregnancy loss, reproductive trauma, the death of someone you love, illness, caregiving, or another overwhelming experience can change the way partners relate to each other.
You may cope differently. One of you may need to talk while the other needs space. One may reach for closeness while the other becomes quiet or focuses on getting through everyday life.
Different ways of coping can easily be mistaken for different levels of caring.
Couples therapy can help you understand those differences and find ways to remain connected while each of you moves through the experience in your own way.
LEARN MORE ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE TRAUMA THERAPY
How I Work With Couples
When couples first come to see me, I want to understand more than the argument that brought you into therapy.
I want to understand your relationship—how you found each other, what has happened between you, where you feel close, where you become disconnected, and what each of you does when the relationship begins to feel uncertain or painful.
The early part of therapy is an assessment process. We meet together, and I also meet individually with each partner. This helps me understand your relationship history, important experiences, and the patterns contributing to your current difficulties.
Together, we begin identifying the cycle that keeps pulling you into conflict or distance.
As therapy progresses, the work becomes less about talking about your relationship and more about helping you communicate with each other in new ways during the session.
My role is active. I help slow difficult interactions down, organize what is happening between you, and help each of you understand the emotions and needs underneath the conflict.
The goal is not a relationship without disagreement.
The goal is a relationship in which you can find your way back to each other when disconnection happens.
Couples Therapy That Respects Who You Are
Relationships do not exist outside the rest of our lives.
Culture, family history, immigration experiences, religion, gender, sexuality, professional demands, and expectations about marriage and family can all influence how partners understand closeness, conflict, commitment, and responsibility.
I work with couples from varied cultural and family backgrounds, including intercultural and interfaith couples and LGBTQ+ partners.
Rather than assuming there is one “right” kind of relationship, I want to understand the relationship the two of you are trying to create—and what matters most to each of you.
Ways to Work With Me
Couples Therapy in Houston & The Woodlands
In-person couples therapy in The Woodlands/Houston area and online throughout Texas.
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Couples Therapy in New York City
Online couples therapy throughout New York, including New York City.
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Online Couples Therapy Across PSYPACT States
Online couples therapy for couples in participating PSYPACT states.
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Couples Therapy Intensives
Longer or concentrated sessions for couples who want more time and focus for deeper relationship work.
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Is It Too Late for Us?
Many couples wait a long time before seeking help.
By the time they arrive, one or both partners may feel discouraged. You may wonder whether too much has happened, whether your partner can really change, or whether the feelings you once had for each other can return.
There are no guarantees in couples therapy, and not every relationship will or should remain together.
But feeling disconnected today does not necessarily tell you what your relationship is capable of becoming.
Sometimes the first step is simply understanding how the two of you arrived here—and whether you are willing to begin doing something different together.
Ready to Begin Couples Therapy?
You do not need to know exactly how to fix your relationship before coming to therapy. That is part of the work we will do together.
If you feel my approach may be a good fit, you are welcome to book a couples therapy appointment directly. If you have questions or would like to speak with me first, contact me for a brief consultation.
Couples therapy • Online throughout Texas, New York & PSYPACT– participating states • In-person in The Woodlands/Houston area