Below, you will find a discussion of the available research that

may help you decide on your best treatment options.

When you are depressed, it easy to lose hope and forget that depression is a treatable problem.  Finding the best treatment or therapy can help you overcome depression and reclaim your life.  Hopefully, the information below on researched and effective treatments for depression will be useful to those of you struggling with depression.

Counseling -Talk Therapy Works

Talk therapy is an extremely effective treatment for depression.  Research shows that all forms of psychotherapy work towards reducing depression.  It is hard to find one treatment (e.g. cognitive behavioral therapy or interpersonal psychotherapy) that works better than the other- they all seem to be equally effective.  What does make a difference in therapy outcomes in decreasing depression are the characteristics of the therapist and the quality of the relationship you build with your therapist.

Characteristics of Helpful (Successful) Therapists

Therapists and counselors that are empathic, caring, affirming, and accepting of their clients and their clients’ problems have substantially more success in treating depression, regardless of the methods they employ.  In addition, expertise and competence in the specific treatment area (e.g. depression) is more important than overall therapist experience to the outcome of therapy.  Some studies also show that female therapists have higher success rates than male therapists, especially if the patient prefers a female therapist.

Therapeutic Alliance

The second factor that influences the effectiveness of depression treatment is the therapeutic relationship or therapeutic alliance.  Two key factors affecting this are having a trusting relationship and common goals with the client.  A strong relationship provides the safety and warmth necessary to work through difficult experiences, thoughts, and feelings that are hard to explore on your own.  Feeling understood in a deep way helps you explore your problems in more depth and gain insight.  It can also help you solve your problems faster that you would on your own.  What you learn in therapy can give you the skills and insight to resolve your depression and prevent it from coming back.

Antidepressant Medication is Not the Solution for Depression in the Long-Term

Although antidepressant medication may be the most popular treatment prescribed by medical health professionals, research indicates that it is not always the most effective.  Studies show that antidepressants are slightly more effective than placebo(sugar pill), and can be as effective as psychotherapy in the short-term.  In fact, some authors believe that the difference between the effect of placebos and antidepressants is minimal for most people.

While anti-depressant medication can reduce the symptoms of depression almost immediately, in the long term, it does not solve any problems.  Antidepressants relieve the symptoms of depression instead of attacking the root of the problem- the goal of most psychotherapists.

Another problem with anti-depressants is that 2/3 of people with depression do not respond to them.  Psychotherapy can sometimes be the best form of treatment for people who have not responded to medication.  Studies show that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can reduce symptoms of depression in people who have not responded to medication.  The improvements were maintained for a period of twelve months, which was the length of the study.  In addition, 86% of patients taking antidepressants have one or more side effects.  These can include:  sexual dysfunction, fatigue, insomnia, loss of mental abilities, nausea, and/or weight gain.  Not surprisingly, many people who try antidepressants quit after 4 months due to the unpleasant side effects.

Considering that drug companies are known to selectively publish research showing the benefits of antidepressants and almost none of the studies that have concluded anti-depressants are ineffective, it is not surprising why antidepressants have such wide popularity.

Antidepressants can be useful when severe depression needs to be addressed rapidly, but they should not be the sole treatment.  Medication cannot address the underlying problems and it does not teach the problem-solving skills patients will need in the future.  The rate if relapse is high (up to 80%) if depression is treated exclusively with antidepressants.

Exercise Relieves Depression

Research shows that exercise is a good antidepressant.  A recent study showed no difference in the amount of relief experienced by a group of depressed people treated with antidepressants compared to a group that engaged in thirty minutes of cardiovascular activity three times a week for four months.  Initially, patients who received medication recovered faster, but eventually the exercise group caught up to them.  In fact, those who continued exercising after the four-month period saw their depression symptoms improve even more:  for every 50 minutes of exercise a week, patients say a 50% decrease in depression symptoms after 10  months.  This study shows that exercise is a feasible therapy for patients experiencing major depression.

Factors that Undermine and Support the Treatment of Depression

Environmental stresses such as financial and occupational problems, poverty, relationship conflict, isolation, and/or lack of social support can prolong and undermine depression treatment.  Stressful life events can trigger and exacerbate depression as well as lead to its recurrence.  Making life changes and learning how to better manage stress and cope with non-avoidable stress can reduce symptoms of depression.

The most important treatment for depression is person-centered and not disorder-centered. This means that the best treatment for you should be to respect your selection for the type of therapist (eg. age, gender, personality, style, etc) and your preferred treatment method.

You should find a counselor with expertise in the area of treating depression in women and feel comfortable that you can establish a trusting relationship with him/her.  Remember, all psychotherapy takes long-term commitment- you have to allow it time to work.

Do not settle for treatment that is partially effective or that works, but causes intolerable side effects.

If you would like help in determining what would be the best treatment for you, call me at (281)267-1742 for a FREE 10-minute consultation.

Dr. Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website:  www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes:  10 Ways to Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity”.

How Motherhood Can Improve Your Mental Skills, Intelligence,

and Preparedness for the Working World

If you have a baby or small children, you may often feel like you have permanently lost your mind, leaving it behind with your pre-baby self.  You may feel forgetful, scattered and like you are barely able to manage mundane activities such as changing diapers, washing baby bottles, and doing laundry.  You may sometimes feel like your brain has turned to “mush.”  Because you do not feel mentally simulated, you may start doubting yourself, causing your self esteem to plummet.

If you cannot remember to turn on the oven or get milk for your kids, you may wonder how you will ever be able go back to work and manage complex tasks.  When this happens, it is easy to feel that you have lost your “smarts;” be insecure about going back to work; and wonder what you will do when your baby gets older.

If this sounds like you do not fear – research shows that maternity/motherhood can actually help your brain.

Research Shows Maternity and Child Rearing Actually Build Up the Brain

Contrary to what many moms think, research shows that brainpower actually increases during pregnancy and child rearing.  Studies have found significant increases in efficiency, motivation, emotional intelligence, mental acuity, and memory during pregnancy and post-partum.

Learning and Memory

Research reports show that the number of neurons and neuronal connections in your brain actually double during pregnancy and motherhood.  This improves brain integration and functions, making you more coherent and less reactive.  Even animal research shows that rat mothers become both bolder at navigating their way through mazes, and better at searching for food than their childless counterparts.  While pregnant, they seem to form extra synapses in areas of the brain linked to memory, learning, problem-solving, and stress-reduction.

Further, pregnancy-induced hormones (estrogen, progesterone and oxytocin) support  learning and memory.  They also boost practical and analytical intelligence, enabling moms to think logically, make the right decisions, plan, and detect and correct errors.

Although it may be contrary to what you are currently experiencing, the brain is being biologically primed to handle demanding new experiences and acquire new skills.  As an expectant or new mom you become a CEO of your home, competent to handle the needs of your new family and more.

Other Skills That Improve in Motherhood

• Motivation and prioritizing

Motherhood can help you set priorities- everything else seems surprisingly petty in comparison to the well-being of your children.  In a way, having children can liberate you, as a woman, to think more like a man- bolder, more willing to take risks, and less hung-up on what other people think of you.  There is no time to “sweat the small stuff,” and the knowledge that you absolutely have to leave the office on-time to get home to your children helps develop a laser-like sense of focus.

• Better self-knowledge

Children can push your buttons; being a mom helps you acquire a stronger sense of what you can and cannot do.  You may often feel on the verge of anger, but you will also learn your limits.  There is something liberating about having faced the worst of oneself, getting close to the edge, and coming through.  It is not surprising that mothers emerge with a better self-knowledge of what their limits are and what they can survive.

• Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence involves empathy and attuned communication, enabling us to tune into another’s state of mind to establish interpersonal sensitivity and create a connection.  This is probably the clearest category in which mothers blossom.  One of the biggest brain boosts for moms is the ability to see the world through someone else’s eyes.  In many relationships, if you do not agree with a person, you can just walk away- but you cannot walk away from your child.  Instead, you have to stretch your mind to understand your child’s point of view.  As a mom, you learn to listen and be interested in what your child thinks; you learn to ask questions until you fully understand the perspective of your child.  These skills of attuning to others help you in your work, and can help you strengthen all relationships in your life.

• Efficacy

As a mother, you are used to having less time and needing to be very efficient- you learn how to strategize; become more organized; get smarter about networking with other women; handle chaos more calmly; and get better at dealing with conflict.

As you can see, there are numerous advantages to becoming a mother.  It can improve  perception, learning, efficiency, and emotional intelligence.  In addition, motivation, fearlessness, and ability to multitask and cope with stress improve compared to your pre-baby state.

Although it may appear that taking time off to raise your children will mean a void in your resume, in reality, staying at home with your children can be very effective training for your brain.

The minds and bodies of new moms are challenged, their brains are being rewired to ensure the ability to bond with baby, be engaged, and nurture the baby even in the most difficult circumstances.

Can you appreciate how much you are constantly learning and changing in the short time frame of pregnancy and motherhood?

If you are lacking confidence and feeling insecure about yourself, or you feel you are in a constant mental fog, you may benefit from professional help.  Having a therapist can help you sort through your concerns and gather the necessary support to achieve your goals.

Call for a FREE-10minute phone consultation at (281)267-1742

Dr.Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website, www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes: 10 Ways To Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity.”

Brain research shows that rejection experiences in a break-up can activate the same areas of the brain that physical pain or distress do.  Especially in women, a break-up can cause cardiac pain and shortness of breath.  The pain is both emotional and physiological, which means it can be very intense

Recovering from a break-up is not easy and can lead to severe depression; lowered immune system response; and even health problems.

As you recover from your break-up, you need to take care of yourself.  The following tips might be helpful in that process.

TIPS FOR RECOVERING FROM A BREAK-UP FASTER

• Express yourself- share your feelings

One of the best ways to deal with the pain of a break-up is to share your feelings with friends or family- people you trust.  The simple process of identifying and talking about your feelings is very soothing.  Studies show that talking about negative feelings can reduce activity in the pain-feeling portion of the brain.  Talking to others not only feels good, but also releases opiates, which are natural “pain-killers,” and helps you process and manage the emotions generated by a break-up.

• Give yourself time to grieve

Allow yourself to be sad about the loss of your relationship, rather than trying to rush into feeling well again.  People who refuse to face the pain of a break-up get involved in rebound relationships before working through the painful issues of the past relationship.  They tend to project their pain and desires onto their new partner, substituting their previous partner and not seeing the new person for who he/she really is.

Give yourself time to grieve- the process may be as painful as mourning the death of a loved one. Breaking up is a loss and the only way to come out of it healthy and with peace is to grieve properly.

• Consider having a conversation with your ex-partner

You may be able to have a final discussion with your ex-partner to help you understand what caused the break-up and express any pent-up issues and feelings.  However, this may not be something your ex-partner is willing to do or it may be too painful for you to do.  In this case, research shows that having an imaginary conversation, where you express all your feelings and say goodbye, can help you move-on.

• Sleep

Sleep is one of the best ways to deal with stress and avoid depression, yet it can be hindered by emotional distress.  The day’s residual pain, sadness, and anger can make it difficult to sleep well.  If you wake up too early, or can’t fall asleep, take notes in order to identify a recurring theme.  That will help you figure out how get stress and anger under control during the day.  Try keeping a regular sleep schedule- going to bed and waking up at the same time each day- you will feel more refreshed and energized than if you sleep the same number of hours at different times.  Create a relaxing bed-time routine.  Regular exercise and relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation may also improve your sleep

• Exercise

Working out, running, and even brisk walking release opiates, which can help you deal with stress. Studies show that cardiovascular exercise can be as effective in dealing with mild to moderate anxiety and depression as antidepressants.  So, get up and put your running shoes on!

It is natural to feel sad as you are grieving the end of your relationship.  Remember to allow yourself to experience and process your own thoughts and feelings, no matter how painful they are- it will allow you to move forward.  If you feel helpless, have low self-confidence, or think you are worse than you were, you may benefit from professional help to alleviate your feelings and avoid a deeper depression.

Don’t wait too long before intervening- when one door closes, you need to find the window that will allow you to go through and heal.

If you want help in dealing with relationship break-up call me at (281) 267-1742 for a FREE ten-minute consultation.

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Dr. Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website:  www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes:  10 Ways to Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity.”

work-related stress and self-care during pregnancy

Are you pregnant and always on the go?

Are you still working as much at your office or with your kids and never seem to sit down and catch a breath even though you are pregnant?

More than 2/3 of all pregnant women work, most of them in full-time jobs.  80 percent are still at their jobs the month they give birth.

Since women are most likely working during most of their pregnancy, reducing stress during this time should not be dismissed as an urban myth. 

Research shows that a high level of stress in some pregnant women can lead to preterm birth, smaller babies, and potential problems later on.  

In order to advance professionally, women sometimes have to prove their commitment to work regardless of being pregnant or having a family.  Sometimes there is financial pressure, especially for single mothers, to continue to work until the last day.

You do not have to be a super woman.

Even when there is no external pressure at work, women sometimes try to live up to an unattainable standard of trying to be a Pregnant Super Woman who can work 12 hour days, be at her desk until her water breaks, and still have time to train for the marathon.  Some women might also believe that they do not need any help from their colleagues, supervisors, or partners.  With advancing pregnancy, swollen legs, backaches, and lack of sleep, work will become more burdensome than before, yet many women feel they need to keep on pushing themselves.

In some traditionally male professions such as law, medicine, and corporate jobs, the demands put on pregnant woman seem impossible to fulfill while still remaining in good health.  Female lawyers and executives continue to work long hours all the way through the end of their pregnancy.  When put on bed rest they may have to take their laptops in order to keep working.

If you are a working pregnant woman, you do not have to quit your job, you just need to find the right balance.  In fact, employment during pregnancy is actually correlated to positive outcomes.  Unemployed pregnant women are more likely to suffer from depression and have low birth weight babies.

How stress affects you depends on your personality style:  whether you are energized or exhausted by keeping a fast pace and long working hours.  It also depends on whether you feel a sense of control at work or at home, and on the emotional support you receive from your partner and family.

However, if you feel tense, worried or exhausted most of the time, here are some ideas on how to reduce work stress during pregnancy:

• Take a close look at your lifestyle and try to identify personal and work-related sources of stress.  Look at your schedule, as well as your work and family commitments and see what is achievable and manageable for you.   If you feel that your list is out of control, you may have to adjust your schedule.

• Accept that your body and your energy will change as you get closer to your due date.  Even if you currently thrive in your overscheduled lifestyle, you may not be able to continue working as your pregnancy puts more physical demands on you.  Prepare to cut back on what you are doing in the last trimester.

• Let go of control.  You cannot control or predict how your body will respond to pregnancy or how you will feel.  No matter how hard you are trying to fulfill your work obligations, you may fall short due to your changing body.

•  Take good care of yourself:  eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep.

• Take frequent short breaks rather than one long break.  Keep moving after sitting at your desk for a while.  If you are in a high-pressure job, you might consider taking Wednesdays and Saturdays off rather than a traditional weekend.  This will create a mid-week break.

• Communicate with your boss and ask for an adjustment in your work load.  Do not hesitate to ask your colleagues for help.  Keep in mind that you know best what your needs are and how hard you should work.  By making small adjustments in your work environment to fit your needs, you may be able to contribute more to your organization.

• Network with other working moms at your office or in an informal support group.  Connecting with someone who has been there before can help you gain perspective and may also provide you with support and suggestions on how to manage your work situation.

• Keep communication open with your husband/partner.  According to research, social support and nurturing by a woman’s husband or partner is linked to healthier infants.

Remember, you are pregnant for only 9 months, so take care of yourself until you get back to your old self.  Even if you have to take a short break from work, you will most likely be able to get back to it easily.

If you are pregnant and burdened by work obligations and/or family responsibilities and  would like help reducing stress and getting your life in control, please call me at (281)267-1742 for a FREE 10-minute phone consultation, or email me at Irena@permalink.com

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Dr. Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website:  www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes:  10 Ways To Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity”.

Finding the right counselor, who understands and treats chronic stress and depression in women, takes research, time, and knowledge.  Choosing the right therapist to help you overcome depression is an important decision, which can make a huge difference in how fast you recover.  If you have been struggling for a long time, it might not always be a good idea to choose a therapist based only on your insurance coverage.

What to Look for When Choosing a Therapist to Help You Overcome Stress and Depression:

1.       Therapist Training

Psychologists have doctoral-level training and provide talk therapy.  Licensed therapists also provide talk therapy and often have a Masters Degree in counseling.  Psychiatrists are medical doctors and mostly prescribe medication.  Choose a therapist who is a licensed professional.

2.       Counseling Experience and Specialty in Stress and Depression

Your therapist should be experienced in working with specific areas of depression in women, such as:  general or chronic stress and depression; stress from balancing motherhood, a career, and life transitions; infertility; pregnancy challenges; pregnancy loss; and postpartum depression.  A therapist with years of experience in the field of women’s depression will be well-versed in what kind of counseling works to help women overcome depression.

3.       Personality and Comfort-Level With the Therapist You Choose

It is essential that you choose a therapist for depression that you like and feel comfortable with.  Therapy research has shown that the key in healing is the relationship between therapist and client.  Theoretical orientation (the approach or method a therapist utilizes) is less important than the quality of the relationship between the client and the counselor.  All psychotherapy approaches will work if the therapist is competent, compassionate, and in-sync with the patient.

4.       Shared Goals Between Counseling Client and Counselor

You and your therapist should agree on the goals and timeline of your therapy.  Research suggests that shared goals and a feeling of being understood are better predictors of therapy success than the methods or approaches the counselor will utilize to help you overcome your depression.

 5.       Try out Your Therapist First

Initially, you may commit to a couple of introductory counseling sessions to see if you and your depression therapist are a good match.  Then, evaluate how you feel and whether the therapy has made any difference, before you make a long-term commitment.  Remember, it takes time to see results from counseling, especially if you have been depressed or very stressed for some time.

How to Find a Therapist for Depression:

1.       Ask for referrals from someone you trust

Ask your doctor (OB/Gyn or family practitioner) to recommend a therapist.  Ask around to see if your friends or family members know of a good therapist who has experience in treating stress and depression.  We tend to like people with personalities like ours, so if your friend or doctor likes a particular therapist, chances are you may also like the therapist.

2.       Do an Internet Search

Do an internet search to locate a depression therapist in your area.  See if the therapist offers classes, groups, or newsletters to help women overcome depression.  If your doctor or someone else refers a therapist to you, you should also check the therapist’s website to see if you are in alignment with him/her.

3.       Talk to the Therapist on the Phone

Once you have located the therapist, call and ask about how they work.  Most therapists will provide you with at least a few minutes to ask questions on the phone before you agree to see them for therapy.

4.       Shop Around

Do not be afraid to interview a few therapists until you find person you are most comfortable with.

Depression is painful but treatable.  With the right therapist, you can feel better again and enjoy your life.  If you are having difficulty coping with depression, you do not have to struggle alone.  Call me at (281)267-1742 for a FREE ten-minute consultation.

Dr. Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website:  www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes:  10 Ways to Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity”.

The Hardships and Rewards of Children Born to Older Parents

Increasingly more children are being born to parents in their forties.  In my previous article, I addressed the advantages and disadvantages of having children in your 40s.  (In case you missed it, you can click here to read it).This article will focus on the experiences of children who have older parents.  For many of these children, the emotional texture of their childhoods and their experiences in early adulthood are quite different from those of their peers whose parents are younger.

Advantages of Children with Older Parents

• Feeling More Wanted

Children with older parents often take center-stage in their parents’ lives.  They receive a lot of attention from their parents and feel very loved and wanted.  Older parents are more likely to be settled professionally and are able to spend more time with their children.

• Financial Advantages

Older parents are more likely to be financially secure and able to provide an economically stable life for their children (at least for those with a middle class background or higher).  Their children are exposed to a variety of educational opportunities and are able to travel; attend better, possibly private schools; and be involved extracurricular activities.

• Emotional Privileges

Older parents seem to be more stable, relaxed, and less stressed-out by work or parenting issues.  They are less worried about their finances or their career, allowing them to be more present and relaxed with their children.  These children often grow-up in stable two-parent families.  The divorce rate among older parents is lower and these parents have more time to spend with their children.

Disadvantages:

• Feeling Different From Peers

Children of older parents are aware that their parents are different- older than any other parents.  That often leaves them feeling self-conscious and embarrassed.  Some of these children are ashamed to bring their friends home to meet their parents, fearing they might be mistaken for grandparents.  They are also aware when their parents’ energy declines because they won’t participate in sports the way younger parents might.  The experience that a greater ”generation gap” separates them from their parents is common.  These children may also be aware that their parents are a bit more “old-fashioned” in their music and fashion taste.

• Fear of Parents Dying

Children of older parents often fear that they will lose their parents much earlier than their peers will.  When they become aware of their parents’ age, they may want to spend as much time with their parents, and squeeze in as many experiences, as possible.  This can turn into a significant worry where a child may not want to leave home out of fear that his/her parents will die.

• Responsible for Parents at Early Age:

As young adults, children of older parents are frequently faced with emotional, medical and financial responsibilities for their parents at much earlier ages than their peers.  They may be barely out of college when their parents are already on the verge of retirement or have declining health.  Instead of having their 20s and 30s to concentrate on jobs and marriages, they often have to assume a myriad of responsibilities for their parents, relatively early in life.

• Not Enough Autonomy

Older parents often have small families and a lot of time to be with their children.  Greater parental attention may result in a tendency to overprotect and micromanage children.  Children may feel they do not have enough  autonomy.  While intellectually stimulating, older parents can  have  unrealistically high expectations of academic achievement.  Children may feel a great pressure to succeed and be high achievers.

• What can you do to help your children as an older parent?

There is obviously nothing you can do about your age, but you can change your attitude and some of your behaviors.

If your child is concerned about your mortality, reassure him/her that you are doing everything in your power to take good care of yourself so that you can be around for a long time.  Spending time with other families with older parents will help all of you feel more accepted and normal.

You may also want to inform your child of the pros and cons of having an older parent.  An experienced therapist can help you figure out how to address concerns your child may have, as well as any concerns you have about being “old.”  Therapy can help you improve your confidence as a “parent” and not focus so much on the fact that you are an older parent.

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Dr.Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website, www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes: 10 Ways To Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity”.

 The hardships and rewards of having a baby in your 40s

The age of first-time moms in the Western World is increasing.  More and more, women delay motherhood, voluntarily as they spend time on their education and carriers, or involuntarily because they do not have a partner or because of infertility problems.  In the last decade, the number of women giving birth after the age of 35 and 40 has tripled and quadrupled, respectively.  The advances and accessibility of reproductive technologies are partly accountable for this sharp rise in older mothers.

Even though motherhood is as old as the human species, we are breaking new ground socially and personally with first time mothers in their mid to late forties.

If you are wondering whether you are too old to have a baby here are some pros and cons that may help you in making your decision:

Advantages of having a child later in life:

• Often More Ready to Be a Parent

Older parents are typically more financially secure, completed higher education, and have an established career, which may make having a child, easier.

Research shows that “older mothers” may be more emotionally ready for parenting- they have achieved their career goals and want to focus on their family.  They are also more confident in dealing with the ups and downs of parenting and report less parental stress than mothers in their 30s.

Older mothers are more likely to be in committed co-parenting relationships and have a positive overall family experience.  They tend to be married and both parents tend to split family responsibilities, leaving less of a burden on the mom.   Almost 85% of older mothers are married when they become mothers.  Even single first-time moms more often have built stable support networks before they have a child if they are older.

• More Likely to Enjoy Being With Children

Older mothers often have greater appreciation and feeling of gratitude for their children.  They report feeling “lucky” to have the opportunity to be moms.  Older moms are more emotionally ready to be parents and fully embrace parenthood.  Moms that waited a long time for their children tend to be more involved with them and less likely to employ a nanny.  They spend a lot of time with their children and are often more able to accompany their child on a field trip without fear of losing their jobs.

An Australian study showed that older parents are more flexible and better able to handle challenges.

• Children of Older Parents Turn Out Fine

A recent study showed that children of older mothers had higher intelligence scores and outperformed their peers academically.  The authors found that mothers waiting longer to have their children are more engaged and dedicate more time and resources to their education.

Disadvantages of Having a Child Later in Life:

• Increased Chances of Requiring Fertility Treatments

Fertility decreases with age and most women who wish to become pregnant in their 40s will require fertility treatments.  Women in their mid-to-late-forties who want to carry their own baby most often use an egg donor.  While fertility treatments can be beneficial and help women become pregnant, they also have physical, emotional, and financial repercussions.  Women often become consumed by infertility- they go through an emotional roller-coaster every month and spend their life savings on years of treatments, often to be left to grieve the loss of their opportunity to have a biological child.

Due to the high cost of fertility treatments, and advanced parental age, couples often end up with smaller families than they initially hoped for.

• High-Risk Pregnancies

Physically, carrying a baby at an advanced age is not easy.  The likelihood of pregnancy complications such as, preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and hypertension, increase after the age of 40.  There is also increased chance of a miscarriage and Cesarean sections.

•  Going Through Menopause While Caring for a Young Child

Older mothers may go through the distinctive life stages of menopause; raising a young child; and caring for elderly parents, all at the same time.  As women approach menopause, their hormones begin to diminish, depleting their physical energy.  Mothers in their late forties often describe being fatigued- being truly, overwhelmingly, tired much of the time.  The demands of raising small children run counter to physical exhaustion and can create a lot of frustration and struggles.  Older mothers’ partners and family may not understand the emotional and physical demands experienced by an older mother.

In most cultures menopause is a period of turning inward and reflecting.  An older mother may want to take time to pause and reassess her life, to ask questions like:  ”Who am I now?  What haven’t I done that I’d like to do?”  This is an internal process, but there is little time for self-reflection when you have a young child.  There is a conflict between the natural tendency of a menopausal mother to slow down and turn inward and the high energy needs of her child.

• The Social Stigma of Looking Like a   “Grandmother” to Your Child

As you immerse yourself in preschool and play dates, a typically youthful environment, you will be in close contact with young moms, who are really blooming and may even be pregnant with a second child.  In contrast, as an older mom, you may often be mistaken for your child’s grandparent.

You may be really tired and have no energy to do sports with your child the same way a 30- something-year-old mom can.  Your child may even notice how old you look and how you can’t play with him/her the same way other moms play with their kids.  Aging in a culture that dismisses older parents and glorifies youth can make you feel humiliated at times.

• You May Not Be Around  When Your Child is Older

You may not be around long enough to see your child achieve important milestones such as graduating from college or getting married.  Even if you are alive, you may not be physically capable and vibrant enough to be there for your child.  In fact, your child may end up in a situation whereby he/she has to take care of you in his/her early adulthood.  Your child, especially if he/she is an only child, may have to live much of his/her adult life without family.

For this reason, older moms often wish they had started their families 5-10 years earlier.

So, what to do?

As you can see, there are many issues to take into consideration if you are a woman trying to decide whether to have a child.  If you are a younger woman and have valid reasons for delaying motherhood, you may want to think about not only what you want, but also about what might be best for your future child.  If you are middle-aged, you may want to reflect on your life and take the path that is right for you- either choice will come with its own set of challenges for you to overcome.  Women entering menopause without children often feel great sorrow for the loss of the opportunity to have a child.  Grief therapy can help overcome this challenge.  If you feel strongly that motherhood is your path- that your life won’t be complete otherwise- and are ready for difficulties ahead, go for it!  Others have taken this road before and help will be available for you along the way.

Having a therapist can help you sort through your concerns and find the courage to go through extreme fertility measures, or adoption in order to become a mom.  Counseling can help you gather the necessary support to achieve your dream.

The next article in the series will address issues from the perspective of children of older parents.  Stay tuned…

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Dr.Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website, www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes: 10 Ways To Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity”.

Do you feel drained at the end of the day to the extent that you feel you have nothing left to give to your family?

Do you find yourself snapping or yelling at your spouse or your child and then feeling awful afterwards?

If so, chances are that you are out of balance.  It may be a sign that your own needs are not being met- basic needs, such the need for rest, support and love.

If you are a working woman and the mother of a young child, it’s all too easy to get busy and put your needs on the back burner.  You may run yourself ragged by taking care of your family and your job.  It can get to the point where you are looking out for the well-being of others at the expense of your own.  The problem with this is that eventually, you will not have much left to give if you continue this way.

If you find this is happening for you, below are some ways you to increase your self-care in small ways that can make a huge difference in your overall health and happiness!

Differentiate Between Caring and Over-caring

If you find yourself neglecting your needs and over-caring for others, don’t torture yourself, as this is pretty common. Doing more for others than for yourself is a trait of many women.  We are socialized to value our contribution to our family and our social group more than we value ourselves.  And yet, true caring for others cannot come from a healthy place unless you are feeling strong yourself.  Healthy caring comes from a  place of love and makes you feel good.  It should feed you and make you feel stronger.

Over-caring and burnout result from not including yourself on the list of people who require care.  Burnout depletes your batteries and can destroy your mental and physical health.  Over-caring is often motivated by a need to please, feelings of guilt, feelings of not being good enough or sheer habit.  The way to tell the difference between caring and over-caring is to ask yourself how giving or caring makes you feel in the long haul.  If you get to the point where you feel exhausted and unhappy, it is likely that you are over-care-giving.

Identify your Emotions

Make a commitment to honor and respect yourself by being willing to listen and learn from your emotions.  Often, we don’t have time to process our emotions during the day, so we hold them in, not fully aware of what they are, and eventually, lose it with our spouse or child at the end of the day. To avoid doing this, you will need to be more aware of and process feelings as they come up.

”Be there” for your body and your emotions, just as you would for your child or anyone else you love.  If you feel suddenly overwhelmed by your sadness or anger, choose to stop and identify the feeling, rather than react to it- acknowledge the feeling, “I feel sad” or “I feel mad.”  Research shows that the best way to “free” negative emotions is to let yourself experience them fully.  The process of identifying and labeling your emotions may not always be comfortable, but is a way of letting them go.  Resist the urge to take action on anything when you are upset.  Wait until you are in a calmer state where you can make more grounded decisions.  Writing down your experiences in a journal has been proven to be effective in helping identify and express feelings.

Listen to your Body and Your Inner Voice

Your body sends constant signals, telling you what’s good for you and what’s not working.  It has an inner guidance system that tries to get you to pay attention to any adjustments you need to make in your life.  For example, your headache and tense shoulders may be a sign of an unresolved issue that’s causing you distress.  Inconvenient as they are, these pains are your allies, begging you to look up and see what’s not working in your life.  It’s easy to become too busy and ignore any discomfort in our bodies until it becomes worse.  Don’t ignore potentially important messages from your body!

Another way our bodies attempt to cope with over-giving is to resort to little or big addictions that make us feel better.  For example, over-indulging in comfort food; excessive shopping; or drinking too much wine.

Any of these can be signs that something in your life is out of whack.  What would you do if your car was running out of gas and the red lamp was on?  If you ignored the red light , the car would not run any better, in fact, it would eventually stop running.  So, don’t do that to yourself.  If your inner red light starts to come on, it requires attention.  The psychotherapist, Carl Jung, explained that the hardest person to confront is the self; also the hardest person to have compassion for is the self.  In fact, we often have more compassion others than we do for ourselves!

How to Make Changes

Unfortunately there aren’t any fairy godmothers to help you find peace and balance with the swish of their wand.  It often takes time and work to make changes in your life.  Yes, it may be difficult at first, and you will not have the same instant gratification as you do when you eat that piece of cake, but the good news is that if you invest the time in paying attention to your inner voice, you can make lasting changes.

If you are like most women, you may have a list of several things that are draining your energy.  Why not pick just one and make a plan to improve it?  Even if each one takes some time to address, you may feel much better in the long-term.  Every time you resolve something from your list, you are getting rid of a burden.  Eventually, you’ll have more energy to do what’s really important and you won’t have as many stressful and reactive moments in your life.  You’ll feel better, sleep better, and have better relationships with your loved ones.

Emotional and physical well-being depend on the balance between giving and receiving.  The receiving can also come from you, by paying closer attention to your body and your emotions.  Remember the safety instruction when you fly: “If there is lack of oxygen put the mask on yourself first before putting it on the minor.”  Taking care of yourself is not just good for you, but it is also the beneficial for your family.

For women, stress can come from a variety of daily experiences, such as:  pressure at work, taking care of young children, relationship conflicts, etc.  Stress can also come from unexpected events such as a crisis with your child, pregnancy loss, inability to get pregnant, or loss of a loved one.

How we cope with stress is different depending on the individual.  The “fight or flight” model includes responses such as an aggressive reaction to stress (fight) or avoidance of stress (flight).  An aggressive coping reaction might be to yell at your children, or get angry with yourself, while an avoidance mechanism might be to resort to substance abuse or social withdrawal.  Although they are common reactions, not everyone will fight or flee in response to stress.

Research in Attachment Theory and Stress

New research suggests that there may be some gender differences in responding to stress, as the “tend and befriend” reaction seems to be particularly strong in women.

The biological basis for these behaviors seems to be the hormone, oxytocin.  Production of oxytocin is triggered at times of stress and prompts affiliative behaviors, such as maternal tending and social contact with peers.  Oxytocin is also the underlying factor in mother-infant attachment.  Affiliation under stress may lead someone to protect children (tending) or seek social contact for his/her own protection (befriending).  These social responses tend to reduce biological stress responses by lowering heart rate and blood pressure and reducing the production of the stress hormone, cortisol.

This is not surprising since, throughout evolution, women have been involved in pregnancy and nursing and have had a greater role in the care of young children.  High maternal investments have selectively affected female stress responses to maximize the survival of women and their children.

Fight or flight responses to stress during pregnancy may put women and their young children in danger.   Therefore, women are more likely to create, maintain, and utilize social groups, especially with other women, in order to cope with stressful conditions.

Socialize to Reduce Stress and Live Better

The importance of surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about you is not new.  What is new is the research confirming that good social support protects pregnant women from having low birth-weight babies;, getting depressed, and can improve recovery during bereavement.  Social support can also improve recovery time from medical illness.

Studies also show that people who have rich social networks tend to live longer and be healthier.  Research suggests that reduction of stress in females, resulting from seeking connection with others, may help explain why women outlive men.  According to studies, the more friends a woman has, the healthier and happier she tends to be.  These findings were so significant that researchers from the Nurse’s Health Study at Harvard Medical School concluded that not having close friends is as detrimental to women’s health as smoking or being overweight.

Build Social Networks

Given the research, taking time to build a social support network is a wise investment, not only in your mental well-being, but also in your physical health and longevity.

Spending time with friends is not only fun and feels great, but it is also a way of coping with stress.  Don’t let your busy work, family, or home schedule prevent you from making time to visit with friends.  The more quality and supportive relationships you have, the better.  Make an effort to make more friends, if you need them, or to improve the relationships you already have.

You may also consider joining a support group for women who have similar life experiences.  Find an infertility support group, a pregnancy loss group, a mother-baby group, a “moms of pre-schoolers” group, etc.  Knowing that you are not the only one who struggles with stress or depression can be reassuring.

Remember that the goal of building your social support network is to reduce your stress level, not add to it. Be aware of relationships that seem to drain your energy.  For example, avoid spending too much time with someone who is constantly negative and critical.  Similarly, steer clear of people involved in unhealthy behaviors, such as alcohol or substance abuse.

If you feel alone and constantly stressed-out, seek professional help.  Counseling can help you identify and mobilize positive supportive relationships in your life.

If you want help in identifying and managing your stressors, call me at (281)267-1742 for a FREE ten-minute consultation.

Here are  some ideas. 

The holidays can be emotionally charged- whether they are exciting, stressful, or full of anxious anticipation.  It can take weeks, or even months, to prepare for the holiday season, and it lasts only a short time and disappears quickly.  After all the holiday fuss, January can feel anticlimactic.  It may take time to transition to the usual mundane schedule- back to the office or to school.  It is not uncommon for women to feel sad and lethargic after the holiday celebrations.

Up to 25% percent of us experience post-holiday depression, or some form of depression that can creep up, days after the holidays are over.  This is often temporary, but needs to be addressed so that it does not have a long-lasting effect on your life.

What Triggers Post Holiday Blues?

Post-holiday blues can be triggered by a number of things.  Below are some of the most common reasons people feel sad after the holidays:

• Women try to do too much during the holidays:  cook, shop, organize parties; and spread themselves too thin.  The added pressure may lead to exhaustion, fatigue, frustration, and eventually, depression.  While you may feel relieved that the cooking, cleaning, and entertaining is over, you may not be ready to go back to work right away- you may feel like you could use a rest.
• You may  feel sad over lingering family issues.  After the holidays, when you have time to look back and evaluate what happened during family gatherings, you may realize that some of it upset you.  You may play back conversations you had with your parents and/or siblings and discover hidden meanings in them.  This may leave you feeling hurt or angry.
• Gaining weight over the holidays can be disappointing, especially if you have dedicated a lot of effort to watching your diet or trying to lose weight.  While it is important for women to look good, your self-esteem can plummet with every extra pound gained, leaving you feeling angry and self-critical.  Feelings of shame and guilt about your holiday weight-gain can quickly become demoralizing, undermining your motivation to eat wisely and stay active.
• If holidays are the highlight of your year, you may be more prone to experiencing post-holiday blues and feeling let down.  You may miss all the activity, family, and friends, especially if some of them live far away from you.

So, what can you do to be happier after the holidays? Here are some suggestions that may help you cope with the post holiday blues:

1.    Expect to be let down

The holidays can be both joyful and stressful all at once.  After all the excitement, returning to the usual routine, and a workplace that is probably quieter than normal, can dampen your spirits due to the absence of exciting things to do and look forward to.  On the other hand, if your holidays were not as enjoyable as you had hoped, you can be left feeling let-down because it was not as pleasant as you had expected, and this can sour your mood.  Expecting to feel a little sad is a way to tell yourself that it is a normal feeling that will pass as soon as your routine re-establishes itself.

2.    Allow yourself a transition period

Getting back to “normal” after the holidays may take time.  It will probably take more than a few days to adjust to being back at work and begin feeling like your “normal and productive” self.  Having high expectations of yourself may only add stress and make you feel depressed.  There is no magic wand or a button you can press in January that will allow you to “start fresh.”  If you are patient and accept your sadness, you are more likely to start feeling like yourself sooner.

3.    Do not ignore your feelings of sadness

All of us, even the happiest people, feel blue sometimes.  Feeling blue can actually be good for you.  Research shows that mild to moderate doses of negative experiences are beneficial for growth and development.  In fact, moderate stress during fetal development makes children fare better and be more resilient to stressors later on in life.

4.     Find meaning

Happiness is tied to how you interpret events, not the events per se.  It is true that fortunate events can trigger intense happiness, but this state of intense happiness is short-lived.  Studies examining lottery winners showed that, after experiencing intense happiness, they did not end up feeling significantly happier in the long run, when compared to a group of people that did not win.

Having a purpose and meaning in life seems to contribute to lasting happiness.  Involvement with family or work that one finds meaningful and purposeful is one of the most significant contributing factors of happiness.  Studies also show that people that are involved in their communities and churches tend to experience more positive emotions and be more satisfied with their lives.  Remember, it is not the situation itself, but your appraisal of it, which will affect whether you feel happiness or sadness.  Even difficult events, such as family conflict over the holidays, or having to face weight gain, can be a source of positive emotions.

5.    Go outside and get active

During the holidays, it is very easy to ignore your body and get away from your regular exercise routine.  Increased physical activity is not only one of the best antidepressants and creator of good feelings, but it also helps prevent extra weight gain.

If your post-holiday blues do not improve on their own, and you continue to feel sad, even after your best efforts to be feel happy, get help.  Do not try to “tough it out” alone- getting help from an experienced counselor can make a significant difference.

Call me for a FREE ten-minute consultation at (281)267-1742.

Dr.Irena Milentijevic is a licensed psychologist who specializes in helping mothers and those hoping to be mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression.  Her offices are located in Houston and the Woodlands, Texas.  Visit her website at: www.DrIrena.com to get her free report, “Moms and Mom Wannabes: 10 Ways to Overcome Depression and Reclaim Your Sanity”.